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Jokes ...


Gycu

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This Topic is for jokes, I wanna laugh baybe ...

[*] Follow the rules

[*] Post here funny jokes

About everything you want ...

I posted these on the Random Post Topic

Q: What does LOTUS mean ?

A: Let Only The Users Suffer

Error Message :

Bad or mising mouse!!!

SPANK the cat YES or NO

The mouse escaped the cat, why ?

It was "Genious"

Q:What doesNTFS mean ?

A:Never Tested File System

Q: What's the difference between a virus and Windows ?

A: A virus does something ...

Windows XP, eXtra Pain.

And here are others ( translated from Romanian ^_^ )

Here are some funny definitions

Bad Student - The young and the restless

Meeting with the parents - 3rd degree encounter

Your notebook - Murder, She Wrote

End of school - we've met happier students

The classroom - the twilight zone

The main-teacher - Xena, The Warrior Princess

Test-Paper - Snow-White

The Principal - No.1 Enemy

After the parents reunion - Emergency Room

The cheating paper - Watch&Win

*Your desk-mate - America's Most Wanted :lol: I invented this right now :P

More later ....

Edited by Gycu Brun
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A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

Edited by K9 Krew
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**Grandpa dies**

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!

"Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"

She paused to wipe away a tear, "...If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!"

**Hard times**

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

**Viagra cut into four**

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years old, and I don`t even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.

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A man feels that his sex life has taken a turn for the worse... He goes to the local drugstore, and asks the pharmacist for the strongest viagra they have. The lady at the counter suggests a new drug that gurantees great sex, but she warns him to adhere to the instructions strictly. He leaves with the box, gets in his car and scans over the back of the packaging, it says 'take one pill for a great night' The man wants a fantastic night, so he downs the whole box, speeds home, tells his wife to put the kis to bed and begins to shag her stupid.

The next morning, the man' son is sitting on the street outside his house, crying. a neighbour walks past and asks what is wrong.

The kid says:

"mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's in the basement shouting 'here, kitty, kitty'"

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@K 9 Krew : I heard a shorter similar joke like that so here it is

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

At the end of the day, she gives Harry $19.10

Harry: Who's the bastard that gave only 10 cents ?

Wife: Well ... all of them ... :):lol::P:D

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  • 2 weeks later...

NICE ONE FOR EVERYONE

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit**."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit**?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit**."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT**!!!"

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holy sh**, i love that last one K9 Krew

i don't have any jokes right now though, the only ones that come up in my mind, is religion jokes, which is offensive to some people, can i post that kind of things???

i will have one that's not offensive soon! i hope

EDIT: ok ok, i got one

three guys in prison are about sentenced to death

they have three choices: 1. electric chair, 2. hanged with rope to death or 3. w/ AIDS injection

guy one chooses the electric chair because it would be a quick death

guy two chooses hanged w/ a rope, because he could say his last painful words

guy three, he carry on with the AIDS injection, he feels great and he laugh like crazy

a guard says: "hey, why'd you laugh? you're about to die really painful and regrettable

guy three: HAHAHA, you're all idiots, i used condom!!!!

Edited by ArtSweet
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holy sh**, i love that last one K9 Krew

i don't have any jokes right now though, the only ones that come up in my mind, is religion jokes, which is offensive to some people, can i post that kind of things???

i will have one that's not offensive soon! i hope

EDIT: ok ok, i got one

three guys in prison are about sentenced to death

they have three choices: 1. electric chair, 2. hanged with rope to death or 3. w/ AIDS injection

guy one chooses the electric chair because it would be a quick death

guy two chooses hanged w/ a rope, because he could say his last painful words

guy three, he carry on with the AIDS injection, he feels great and he laugh like crazy

a guard says: "hey, why'd you laugh? you're about to die really painful and regrettable

guy three: HAHAHA, you're all idiots, i used condom!!!!

:rofl2:

THAT WAS HILARIOUS !!!

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